 Announcements |
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And now for some important announcements. For the first time since I was approximately sixteen years old, I am wearing a C cup instead of a D cup. I got measured and everything. This was news to me. One fit of probably irrational paranoia, one December oral swab test, and one January blood test later, I am finally convinced that in spite of a scare inflicted by the obviously questionable behavior of my no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-ex-fiance, I am officially HIV-negative. I was awake from 3 a.m. until 5 a.m. last night. I saw the scariest informercial ever, one starring Jenilee Harrison from Three's Company. I swear that I was too scared to go back to sleep. What has happened to this woman? If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. Even more frightening than the infomercial was the new Christina Aguilera video. What was she thinking with those implants? WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? They look ridiculous. She looks horrible. Girl can sing, she can sing so much better than any of her stupid peers, and yet, she has uglified herself almost beyond recognition. The hair! The weird scarry legs! THE GIANT FAKE MELONS. Her Grand Canyon cleavage almost makes Tori Spelling's look real. It's really hurting me. And don't try to tell me that her chest is just bigger because she has gained weight. That is a blatant farce. The weird thing is that I almost like this song save the final vocal gyrations. I just hope I never see this video again. Ever again. (If you're feeling masochistic, you can watch it here.) Please send some good vibes to my friend Amy Lester, who might be having the shittiest week in the history of humankind. I have resorted to writing a speech for work based on the themes of Lord of the Rings. I was about to rip out my own eyeballs talking about budget and taxation and business and industry and health care, and I figure, this one's for high schoolers, and do they really care about the upcoming fiscal year? No. No, they do not. Bonafide nerds Shelley and Kate were both a huge help to me in this endeavor. I hope my boss does not fire me. With my luck, the speaker in question will think mentioning wizards is a sacrilege and I'll have to start all over. Thanks to Melissa, I now know that the Freaks and Geeks DVD set is coming out in April, and it looks pretty motherfucking awesome, folks. Music, commentary, behind the scenes stuff, you name it. I trust that the My So-Called Life debacle will not be repeated, as I have tons more faith in these Feig and Apatow than I ever did in the bumbling, ineffective, swindling company that shall not be named. I truly don't care how much it costs. I am ordering it, and that is that, and I will remember the time when I thought Linda Cardellini was AWESOME and not a boring Abby clone on ER, and Jesus is just alright with me.
© Copyright 2004 elb |
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