January 2, 2005 Resolved

There are so many ways to describe a person. There are all kinds of things that I could say, but I hesitate, not only because I will not divulge much about a person who knows nothing as of yet of this space here of mine, but because there are really no words to explain. What I can tell you is what I've decided. And that is, no matter what does or does not happen with this man whom I kissed as one year ended and a new one began, to be happy. Happiness comes easily to me, but letting myself give into that happiness does not. In the months of falling apart and putting myself and my life back together and going a little bit crazy and finding new sanity in the process, I have not trusted happiness, I have not relaxed in it, and I have not enjoyed it to its fullest because I have constantly braced myself for its end. My 2004 in large part was about trying to learn how to understand and overcome my tendency to resist happiness. And I'm finding that I can't resist it anymore. Part of being brave is giving up the fight. I can't fight it right now. For the first time in a long time, it's easier for to me to give into the happiness than it is to fight it. That is a gift that life has been waiting to give me until I was ready to accept it. I am going to savor it. Should this end tonight or tomorrow, it will have been a blessing, because it will have opened up my heart a tiny bit and let out again the part of me that knows that life is short and precious and that what matters is the middle of the story. And it does not matter what happens later. What matters is what is happening now. It is overdue. It is time. I am going to let myself be happy. And that is my resolution. ::: About this time in ... 2003 12/31: I have one New Year's Resolution. It's the wish that I took from each movie and each book and each person that I loved this year. And that is to be brave. 12/29: After that, I lay in the darkness and thoughts of the book coursed through me until I passed out, and when I woke up, I was thinking about it still. 2001 1/2: Lost in time with Lyra. And Iorek Byrnison and the gyptians and the witches and the children. 2000 12/31: Above all, that made it a very good year. 1999 12/29: I still haven't really processed my time with them and all it meant and how it changed me. get notified. journal archives © Copyright 2005 elb

Things must happen when it is time for them to happen. Quests may not simply be abandoned; prophecies may not be left to rot like unpicked fruit; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story. The Last Unicorn, Peter S. Beagle